A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of
lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and
taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint,
but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of
the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's somethin your mommy
and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Importance of Walking
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in
a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he/she looks good.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in
a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he/she looks good.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
My wife uses fabric softener.
My wife uses fabric softener.
I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory.
We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
QUESTION:
QUESTION:
"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete
them on my PC?"
ANSWER:
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters
go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty
characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".
Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations
are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying
about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to
the unknowable plans of the OEM.
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and
its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be
reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny
characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will
become upper case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?
It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,
undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC
and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,
you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC
hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you
unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats
them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only
on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete
them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you
pig!!!!
"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete
them on my PC?"
ANSWER:
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters
go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty
characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".
Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations
are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying
about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to
the unknowable plans of the OEM.
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and
its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be
reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny
characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will
become upper case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?
It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,
undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC
and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,
you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC
hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you
unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats
them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only
on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete
them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you
pig!!!!
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas
tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."
But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas
tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.
"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."
"Then why did you bring an axe?"
"Because I didn't want to pay."
Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH
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