20 Excuses for Not Going to Work

20 Excuses for Not Going to Work

· If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.

· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the
house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

· My stigmata's acting up.

· I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

· I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
supermarket.

· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you
for calling.

· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

· The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

· When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

· The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the
vet.

· I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

· I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to
arrange for helicopter transportation.

· I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian
to Gregorian.

· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

· I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

· I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not
coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little
agreement at last year's Christmas party.