A teacher was working with a...

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory perception.  She brought in a variety of
lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and
taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint,
but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of
the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's somethin your mommy
and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

The Importance of Walking

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in 
a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear 
heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out 
what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he/she looks good.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

My wife uses fabric softener.

My wife uses fabric softener. 
 
I never knew what that stuff was for. 
 
Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath "Married!" and walking away. 
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. 

We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped

When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.

"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."

Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.

"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"

QUESTION:

QUESTION:
"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete
them on my PC?"

ANSWER:
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters
go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty
characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".

Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations
are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying
about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to
the unknowable plans of the OEM.

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and
its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be
reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny
characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will
become upper case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?
It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,
undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC
and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,
you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC
hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you
unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats
them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only
on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete
them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you
pig!!!!

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas
tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. 
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. 
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. 
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! 

I've busted my ass for damn near a year, 
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? 
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. 
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. 

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. 
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. 
And just when I thought that things would get better 
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, 
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny 
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? 

And the kids these days--they all are the pits 
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits 
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds 
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads 
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, 
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! 

Flying through the air...dodging the trees 
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees 
 I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment 
 I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. 

 There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, 
 I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH 

Christmas

Christmas

I have been watching you very closely to see if you've behaved this year and since you have I will be telling my elves, if I can find them, to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas if I can get there

I intended to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we having a bit of a problem with that plan as the 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD apparently from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing.

And we just discovered while we were distracted attending to the fiddlers and their no longer dancing ladies. the damn 11 lords leaping were instead stealthfully tip-toeing around and have now knocked up the 8 maids a-milking.

And I just got off the phone with the police department, who asked me if I'd care to come down and make bail for the 9 pipers piping who were arrested in the park for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming in broad daylight.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up in deep bird doo doo up to the top of my boots and I doubt I can get my sled runners movin' out of all that frozen bird shit.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause and refuses to make me any cookies or let me anywhere near her milk jugs.

To top it off, 8 of my reindeer are in heat and have somehow gotten completely entangled in the harnesses and rheins attempting some artic orgy last night and it's going to take forever to free them.

The crazy elves have joined the gay liberation army in England that was started by some retired dwarfs that had been used for bowling balls in the pubs a few times too often and have been left with deminished sexual abilities, so they practice oral sex ... they talk about it

And some nuts, people who obviously can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I'll be able to get my act together and bring you some of the things you want. This year I suggest you get your ass down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside
their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began
praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,

"No, but Grandma is!

20 Excuses for Not Going to Work

20 Excuses for Not Going to Work

· If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.

· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the
house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

· My stigmata's acting up.

· I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

· I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
supermarket.

· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you
for calling.

· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

· The psychiatrist said we had an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

· When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. Now I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

· The dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the
vet.

· I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

· I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to
arrange for helicopter transportation.

· I can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian
to Gregorian.

· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

· I refuse to travel to my job in the district until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

· I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not
coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little
agreement at last year's Christmas party.

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three
other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and
time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots,
their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such
clean language."

An extraordinarily beautiful young woman walks into a gynecologist’ s office

An extraordinarily beautiful young woman walks into a gynecologist' s office. As soon as he sees her the doctor loses all concept of professional behavior. 

At his suggestion the woman disrobes and the physician starts to fondle her thigh and asks "Do you know what I am doing?" 

"Yes" she says "You are checking for abrasions, fractures or any anomalies." 

Then he fondles her breasts and asks "Do you know what I am doing?" 

"Yes," she answers "You're checking for lumps, growths, etc., which might be cancerous?" 

The gynecologist initiates an act of intercourse and asks the woman if he knows what he's doing. 

She answers: "Yes. You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place!"

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the
bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching
over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down
to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped
on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow
"remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room
until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout
on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the
"illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only
six inches away.

These three underage girls

These three underage girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) walk into a bar. 
A cop walks in and recongizes them and knows they were all underage. 
As he approached the girls, they all bolted. 

They ran into an alley where there were three trash bags. With the cop 
coming, they quickly hid in the bags. The officer comes looking and 
kicks the first bag (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and 
the officer says "oh it's just a stupid cat". 

Then he kicks the next bag (where the redhead girl was) and she 
says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a stupid alley dog". 

Then he kicks the last bag (where the blonde is hiding) and she says 
"potato's potato's." 

One morning this blonde called

One morning this blonde called her boyfriend and said, 
"Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I

can't figure out how to start it." 

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" 
The blonde said "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." 
The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he 
heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him where
she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He then 
turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be

able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture 
of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee,
and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box. 

An elderly Blonde Floridian called 911

An elderly Blonde Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. 
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." 
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 
"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." 

A man and a woman who had never met before

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, 
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... 
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted

Morris an elderly Jewish man reads

Morris an elderly Jewish man reads about an inexpensive cruise to Florida, only $50. 
He signs up. Immediately upon boarding the small shabby ship,
Morris is thrown into the galley, chained to his seat, and forced to start rowing, along with a hundred other men. 
A vicious looking man walks up and down the aisle, 
cracking a whip across the back of anyone not rowing fast enough.
Morris the old man is at the point of collapse when the ship, after two weeks at sea, finally pulls in to Miami Beach.
He turns to the man next to him and says, "I've never been on one of these cruises before. 
How much do we tip the whipper ?"

A little old lady is walking down the street

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.  Thanks for the warning!" 

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" 

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.  "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" 

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone  sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" 

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.  "OK, good luck!  By the way, what's  in the other bag?" 

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up".... 

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under
the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

A blonde, tired of being made fun of and ....

A blonde, tired of being made fun of and determined to end it
all, grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where there are lots of
trees.

A couple of hours later a man is walking by and sees the blonde,
hanging from a tree by the waist.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the man.

"No thanks. I've just had it with the world and with everyone
making fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the blonde.

"Well, you've got to put the rope around your neck if you want to
do that," offers the man helpfully.

"Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. ....

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.  Neither one of them has 
ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still 
haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it.
Why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing
the
dog high enough."

Why don't blondes double recipes?   
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees! 

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? 
All you have to do is scratch the box to win. 

The Sheriff in a small town walks ...

 The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, 
and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off
my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to 
pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at
me kind of sexy and says, "Now goto town cowboy..."

A woman walks into the doctor's office....

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all
over." 
The doctor says, "That's impossible!"
She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my 
leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch
my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, 
aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

A dad walks into a market with his young son.

A dad walks into a market with his young son. 

The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. 

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. 

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. 

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" 

"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney." 

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

The first guy says,

"I can remember the first day of First Grade!"

The second guy says,

"I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says,

"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom
with my father, and coming home with my mother!"

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted so bad, and I couldn't brief .

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM

Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN

My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE

Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY

Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER

I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market but she didn't wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES

I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE

I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT

My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW

I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP

We went out to the club and my woman got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY

Hey man, I'm looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!

A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun

A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun.   He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his mask. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face?"


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him  also.


"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.


There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.


"My wife saw you."  

When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife

When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful." 

"Did it work ?" asked the friend. 

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

Two gay men are walking through a zoo.

Two gay men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorilla and
notice that the male gorilla has a MASSIVE erection. The gay men are
fascinated by this, whereby one of the men, who just can't bear it any
longer, reaches into the cage to touch it. Immediately, the gorilla grabs
him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop,
while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When the gorilla has
finished its rodgering, it throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is
called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
 
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you
hurt?'   

'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't
written....'

Blonde & Telephone Poles

Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of
the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had
put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer.

"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.

Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was
the answer.

"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen,
and you only did four?"

"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much
they left sticking out of the ground."

Blonde on a tour trip

A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took
the passengers through mountains and tunnels. As the train approached a
tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning
passengers, "Tunnel ahead. Look out!"

The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met
with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.

After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde's words were, "That
stupid son of a bitch! He should have told me to look in!"

Suicide

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing
on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop!
Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are
you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,
reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

DATING DICTIONARY

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
  
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
 
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
 
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men or spending time around children.  
 
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
 
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
 
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
 
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.  
 
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
 
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
 
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
 
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
 
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
 
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
 
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
 
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

OverDue

The young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck.  "Darling, I have great news - i'm a month overdue.  I think were going to have a baby!  The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill.  "Are you Mrs. Smith?  You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do you know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, its in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying?  Its in your files???"

"Absolutely. "

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.  "Whats going on here?  You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?  What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "its nothing serious.  All you have to do is pay us."

"Pay you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, Sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I dont know.  I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Five pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. 

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

birds and the bees

 A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was
time he talked to him about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'There's no Santa'
speech.  At age 7 I got the 'There's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy'
speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't
really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

The Count

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the 
patients were shouting 13. 13. 13. The fence was too high to see over, 
but I saw a little gap between the planks and looked through to see 
what was going on.
Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then everyone began shouting 14. 14. 14.